One of my key motivations in starting this blog was to get out the following message: with all due apologies to the restaurant industry, I don't think anyone should ever go to a restaurant on a first date ever again.
It's not just that the restaurant as first rendezvous is played out (which it is): I want you to swear to me that, even if your next date involves dinner and a movie, you won't actually refer to it as "dinner and a movie." This is not 1958 and that is not creative. Stretch your gray matter a little, eh?
But no, this is not my major objection.
Any restaurant that serves actual food is in fact working against your dating experience. How?
Him: "So, where are you from?"
You: Chew, chew, chew.
Him: "That's okay, take your time."
You: Motion desperately, hold your right hand to your mouth and chew like the Green Lantern, take a swig of Diet Coke, breathe and finally say "Oh, all over really."
Him: "Oh, that's nice."
As you may have noticed, he's lost interest in the answer to his own question by the time the last bit of portabello burger has cleared your gullet. Once is kind of cute, but it's going to happen over...and over...and over...until you stop eating all together and order a gin and tonic to bring the color back to your face and get that piece of lettuce out of molar #3. Your food goes cold and in the mix you can't help thinking that your date is going to talk about you at water cooler the next day as the chewer.
One of the inescapable realities of the first date is that a lot of information needs to be shared back and forth. You're going to want to ask each other questions; you're going to want to talk about how much you love your job or how well your latest cross-stitch project is coming out, and the lobster bisque is going to get in your way. Keep your mouth free: it should be a point of interest for your date.
The other half of the equation is going to sound a little old-fashioned, but it's a worry that we as daters have to look straight in the eye and say: I've found a way around you!
I don't remember where, but I once heard the advice that you should never finish your food on the first date, because it draws attention to the fact that you are a real person with a digestive tract and whatnot. There will be more on this in future posts, but I have to at least say the following now: dating is for building up illusions, relationships are for breaking them down. Just like you don't want your date to see you sweat or belch (which is a reason to avoid soda), you want to create the illusion that you are made entirely of win and awesome on those first few dates. It is fully understood that the other person is in fact a mortal who occasionally will release gas or have gunk in the eyes, but that's not what you're going for at this point. It's okay to put your best everything forward, which is impossible over linguine and clams.
Buck everything you've ever seen and just do something else on the first date. It's one surefire way to seem like the best you without wasting thirty dollars worth of food.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Setting the date
The fact that the name of this blog wasn't available as a URL created the dual fun of marriage puns, though I'd like to say again that DATE has absolutely positively nothing to do with anyone's big day. So no, this isn't about booking a chapel a year in advance. This is about the first step: getting a date.
The first thing I have to do is dispel one of the worst dating myths that we've all had beaten into heads (maybe especially those of us along the queer spectrum), and that's that you already have to be doing something date-y to find a date.
It's true that if meeting people face-to-face is your thing, you do actually have to leave the house every once in a while. However, you do not have to be in a bar, club, or restaurant to meet someone datable. Every interaction you have as an available person with the outside world is a chance to find your next date.
Going to the bookstore? If it seems sage to talk to the girl who's also perusing historical fiction, do it. At Starbucks between meetings? Maybe that cute barista thinks you're cute, too. Hell, if you rear-end someone in traffic and you want to exchange more than insurance information, go for it!
Broadening your dating horizons clears up a nasty condition that seems to plague daters everywhere. I'm sure this has been you at some point: you only go to one place - say, the sports bar on the corner - to meet new people, but you can't stand anyone you meet there or watching football games over cheap draft beers. You've created a self-fulfilling prophecy; namely, I can't find anyone who doesn't like football and bad beer. Conversely, if you like football and cheap beer, you shouldn't be hanging around your city's hottest nightspot hoping to run into the only other Jets fan in the place who also ordered a Corona.
Hey, Doc, when I do this I can't seem to find anyone I'd like to take out. My advice: stop it! Segregating finding new people into an activity unto itself and on top of that sorting yourself into the wrong category is by far the biggest barrier to finding a date for Friday night. To paraphrase a Klingon proverb I once read: if you seek ale, go into a bar. Take the initiative to find people that you'd at least theoretically like, since all you're doing is clogging someone else's dating filter when you compromise.
Does this mean I have to brush my teeth in the morning before I run down to the corner to buy the paper? Maybe, but what does it hurt? You're at your most attractive when you're comfortable, and you can't be comfortable when you're trying not to get dragon breath on anyone. Love may or may not fall into your lap, but your next date is almost sure to if you're ready at the drop of a bag of mulch to converse with your fellow organic gardening enthusiast.
You're single. You're looking. So why aren't you talking to the pretty woman in historical fiction? At least you've got an in.
The first thing I have to do is dispel one of the worst dating myths that we've all had beaten into heads (maybe especially those of us along the queer spectrum), and that's that you already have to be doing something date-y to find a date.
It's true that if meeting people face-to-face is your thing, you do actually have to leave the house every once in a while. However, you do not have to be in a bar, club, or restaurant to meet someone datable. Every interaction you have as an available person with the outside world is a chance to find your next date.
Going to the bookstore? If it seems sage to talk to the girl who's also perusing historical fiction, do it. At Starbucks between meetings? Maybe that cute barista thinks you're cute, too. Hell, if you rear-end someone in traffic and you want to exchange more than insurance information, go for it!
Broadening your dating horizons clears up a nasty condition that seems to plague daters everywhere. I'm sure this has been you at some point: you only go to one place - say, the sports bar on the corner - to meet new people, but you can't stand anyone you meet there or watching football games over cheap draft beers. You've created a self-fulfilling prophecy; namely, I can't find anyone who doesn't like football and bad beer. Conversely, if you like football and cheap beer, you shouldn't be hanging around your city's hottest nightspot hoping to run into the only other Jets fan in the place who also ordered a Corona.
Hey, Doc, when I do this I can't seem to find anyone I'd like to take out. My advice: stop it! Segregating finding new people into an activity unto itself and on top of that sorting yourself into the wrong category is by far the biggest barrier to finding a date for Friday night. To paraphrase a Klingon proverb I once read: if you seek ale, go into a bar. Take the initiative to find people that you'd at least theoretically like, since all you're doing is clogging someone else's dating filter when you compromise.
Does this mean I have to brush my teeth in the morning before I run down to the corner to buy the paper? Maybe, but what does it hurt? You're at your most attractive when you're comfortable, and you can't be comfortable when you're trying not to get dragon breath on anyone. Love may or may not fall into your lap, but your next date is almost sure to if you're ready at the drop of a bag of mulch to converse with your fellow organic gardening enthusiast.
You're single. You're looking. So why aren't you talking to the pretty woman in historical fiction? At least you've got an in.
First post - do I have anything in my teeth?
Unlike most men I've ever dated, my keyboard doesn't care if I have any spinach in my teeth. There is some of the same anxiety, though. Will he (or the readers) think I'm funny? Is that schmutz on my shirt? (Did I pick the right template?) Will he call again? (Will anyone subscribe to my RSS?)
While starting a new blog is a bit more of an investment than a first date, I think that's more instructive about how easy dating can be than anything else. To put it simply: if the mere thought of asking someone out makes you want to crawl under the covers and pretend that you couldn't be less interested, you're doing it wrong.
When dating becomes part of your reality, you're inevitably compelled to think about your expectations. Some people will even ask you straight on that first encounter what it is you're looking for - and, while I used to be annoyed by this question, I realize now that it's coming and for you, dear reader, I've decided to answer this question before you even ask.
DATE is not a system. It is the voice of experience. I may say any number of things that sound like rules (i.e., don't have more than two drinks on the first date), but they shouldn't be thought of as rules. These are merely observations on dates that go well - or, the opposite of dates that didn't. (Side note- true story: I had to take a break in the middle of writing that paragraph to finish setting up a date.)
There's also no moral judgment here. DATE is half shared experience and half advice column (so send those questions!) and you can expect fair treatment as long as the things you want to talk about are safe and legal. There's also no moral judgment behind one of my cardinal pieces of advice: pants must be worn at all times on the first date (which, just like all of you, I've sadly broken). This will warrant its own post in the near future, but I assure you, it's only practical dating advice.
That is, assuming you want to get to the second date. DATE assumes you're single or available (a distinction that, too, will get its own post) and that you treat dating like an activity (or that you'd like to). I'm a major advocate of dating as a life activity. It's something between spending every Friday night alone and rushing down the aisle. Again, DATE isn't a system, and I'm not holding out on a secret for trapping the perfect guy or gal. My attitude is that every successful relationship starts with...you guessed it, the date. So let's just focus on that step, all right?
DATE does offer simple, straightforward, specific and pragmatic advice. The date needs to be broken down to the micro level, but in a way that doesn't make you crazy. I've done the evaluating, and now, after a lot of frogs, I'm working on kissing some princes, and I want you to take that journey with me.
One date at a time.
While starting a new blog is a bit more of an investment than a first date, I think that's more instructive about how easy dating can be than anything else. To put it simply: if the mere thought of asking someone out makes you want to crawl under the covers and pretend that you couldn't be less interested, you're doing it wrong.
When dating becomes part of your reality, you're inevitably compelled to think about your expectations. Some people will even ask you straight on that first encounter what it is you're looking for - and, while I used to be annoyed by this question, I realize now that it's coming and for you, dear reader, I've decided to answer this question before you even ask.
DATE is not a system. It is the voice of experience. I may say any number of things that sound like rules (i.e., don't have more than two drinks on the first date), but they shouldn't be thought of as rules. These are merely observations on dates that go well - or, the opposite of dates that didn't. (Side note- true story: I had to take a break in the middle of writing that paragraph to finish setting up a date.)
There's also no moral judgment here. DATE is half shared experience and half advice column (so send those questions!) and you can expect fair treatment as long as the things you want to talk about are safe and legal. There's also no moral judgment behind one of my cardinal pieces of advice: pants must be worn at all times on the first date (which, just like all of you, I've sadly broken). This will warrant its own post in the near future, but I assure you, it's only practical dating advice.
That is, assuming you want to get to the second date. DATE assumes you're single or available (a distinction that, too, will get its own post) and that you treat dating like an activity (or that you'd like to). I'm a major advocate of dating as a life activity. It's something between spending every Friday night alone and rushing down the aisle. Again, DATE isn't a system, and I'm not holding out on a secret for trapping the perfect guy or gal. My attitude is that every successful relationship starts with...you guessed it, the date. So let's just focus on that step, all right?
DATE does offer simple, straightforward, specific and pragmatic advice. The date needs to be broken down to the micro level, but in a way that doesn't make you crazy. I've done the evaluating, and now, after a lot of frogs, I'm working on kissing some princes, and I want you to take that journey with me.
One date at a time.
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