Sorry restaurant industry, but...

One of my key motivations in starting this blog was to get out the following message: with all due apologies to the restaurant industry, I don't think anyone should ever go to a restaurant on a first date ever again.

It's not just that the restaurant as first rendezvous is played out (which it is): I want you to swear to me that, even if your next date involves dinner and a movie, you won't actually refer to it as "dinner and a movie." This is not 1958 and that is not creative. Stretch your gray matter a little, eh?

But no, this is not my major objection.

Any restaurant that serves actual food is in fact working against your dating experience. How?

Him: "So, where are you from?"
You: Chew, chew, chew.
Him: "That's okay, take your time."
You: Motion desperately, hold your right hand to your mouth and chew like the Green Lantern, take a swig of Diet Coke, breathe and finally say "Oh, all over really."
Him: "Oh, that's nice."

As you may have noticed, he's lost interest in the answer to his own question by the time the last bit of portabello burger has cleared your gullet. Once is kind of cute, but it's going to happen over...and over...and over...until you stop eating all together and order a gin and tonic to bring the color back to your face and get that piece of lettuce out of molar #3. Your food goes cold and in the mix you can't help thinking that your date is going to talk about you at water cooler the next day as the chewer.

One of the inescapable realities of the first date is that a lot of information needs to be shared back and forth. You're going to want to ask each other questions; you're going to want to talk about how much you love your job or how well your latest cross-stitch project is coming out, and the lobster bisque is going to get in your way. Keep your mouth free: it should be a point of interest for your date.

The other half of the equation is going to sound a little old-fashioned, but it's a worry that we as daters have to look straight in the eye and say: I've found a way around you!

I don't remember where, but I once heard the advice that you should never finish your food on the first date, because it draws attention to the fact that you are a real person with a digestive tract and whatnot. There will be more on this in future posts, but I have to at least say the following now: dating is for building up illusions, relationships are for breaking them down. Just like you don't want your date to see you sweat or belch (which is a reason to avoid soda), you want to create the illusion that you are made entirely of win and awesome on those first few dates. It is fully understood that the other person is in fact a mortal who occasionally will release gas or have gunk in the eyes, but that's not what you're going for at this point. It's okay to put your best everything forward, which is impossible over linguine and clams.

Buck everything you've ever seen and just do something else on the first date. It's one surefire way to seem like the best you without wasting thirty dollars worth of food.