The prevalence of dating advice in our culture is manifest in the amount of it must of us can quote off the top of our heads without quite being able to name a source. The number three seems to be particularly important in American dating lore: two of the most important things you hear about dating as an American are 1) no nookie until after the third date and 2) wait three days to call.
DATE is always in the pursuit of dating truth, and I take issue with both of these numbers. The one I want to talk about tonight is the second (but trust me, trust me, I'll get to the first one).
Ask an average person how long they think they have to wait until calling someone after a successful first date, and I'll wager that nine out of ten of them say three days. If your probe further, you might get this hypothetical average person to say that, "Well, you don't want to seem desperate." But no one can quite offer a reason why 72 hours is the magical number that washes away your desperation.
Today in an article for my day job, I wrote that you need to be assertive in your communication (as well as other aspects of dating). If you're desperate, you're probably going to sound even more desperate if you wait the requisite three days. Conversely, if you're not, you won't sound that way even the next day.
Am I advocating calling the next day? No. Is there a time too soon? Yes. But, it's not a magical number. I think it's much more rational to call someone sometime between five minutes after you part ways and that point when you're pacing around your apartment with six of their seven digits dialed into your cell for two hours on end.
All right, no, do not call as you're walking away from what should be anything but the restaurant (one of our new team members will be posting soon about alternatives to the restaurant). Give it some time. But not so as not to sound desperate.
The reason you shouldn't call right away is to let that feeling build up. That nervous energy that develops after a really good first date is a magic only attached to that event. It's a mixture of hope and fear and general delectation that can be its own reward. Savor this goopy mixed-up feeling and let your date do the same. If it really was a good first date, she's feeling it, too.
The other part of the equation: you shouldn't give a call back until you know what you'd like to see happen next. And I mean in a rational way; of course you want to see him again: that's why you've got this goopy mixed-up feeling. But give yourself time to actually picture the next date and what it would ideally be like. A reasonable sketch of the second date should include at very least an activity and a couple of times you're available that you could bounce off her schedule. You don't have to present all this. You can, in fact, just call to say that you had a great time and that you'd like to do it again soon.
[A note on the word "soon:" after much experience and much talking with friends, I've determined that, if you mean it, you have to say soon, not some time. Soon creates a feeling of sincerity while some time is almost intolerably vague and could be taken a hundred ways that don't translate into Gee, I'd sincerely like to see you again.]
The reason you have to have a plan is simple: even if it isn't at all what happens, you've come out of the fog and are making rational decisions again. You've checked your calendar to make sure you're available (instead of, say, fantasizing about beaching out with him in Hawaii for the rest of your lives). If you can't wait until you've reached this state, you might sound a little strange and, dare I say it, even desperate when you give her the call back.
However! This might very well happen within the first 24-48 hours after the date is over. Here's a little secret: unless you're dating someone with a ridiculously inflated sense of self, he's not going to mind hearing that you're interested. Again, assert yourself in your dating communications: don't wait to be called, and don't worry about seeming desperate if you don't wait for three days.
Honest, clear-headed communication can't lead you wrong.
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2 comments:
Is it enough to say that I love you - and your advice?
Seriously though, about the whole dinner thing- I like it when a guy asks me out for dinner- even if it's on a first date. Somehow it seems a little more romantic and all. Maybe I am crazy - maybe I am just desperate - but maybe I am just looking for something more than just a casual bowling thing - especially at my age. Dinner to me signals some level of maturity and a willingness to commit.
As for calling, I don't agree with the 72 hour thing either. There have been times when a guy has called the next day, and that excites me a whole lot more than waiting for what seems like forever. My theory is go out and grab what you want. Don't let it pass by.The best relationship I ever had was with a guy who called me two hours after our first date to tell me that he had so much fun he wanted to go out the next day too. Spontaneous can be very romantic.
I sincerely hope you DO address that first issue. Is the rule really no nookie after the third date? Who made that rule? And what happens to people who choose to make their own, spur-of-the-moment rules? You can't tell me that there still exists a social stigma against girls who "put out" on the first date.
I'll be waiting eagerly for you to tackle this topic. ;)
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