Dating Filters Part Deux

Bloggers should never announce their plans for a multi-part series: life intervened, and here I am, two days behind schedule. Plus that poll didn't close exactly when I thought it did...which makes me feel really intelligent, what with having posted it and all.

Anyway, I've crawled my way to my laptop to continue our discussion of dating filters.

While self-segregation is a largely self-centered and, dare I say it, somewhat shallow method of screening partners, other dating filters show more thought about what other people think: the Catholic who will only date other Catholics, the white person who will only date other white people, the Jew who triple checks the spelling of his date's last name, etc.

I'm not talking about people who don't date outside of their religious, ethnic, or racial group because they hate or fear people who are unlike them. In fact, there's probably little point of addressing these people, since they don't tend to read blogs started by polyamorous gay Jews (those are three of the most specific things you're going to hear about me, by the way - remember, DATE is about you!).

I'm talking about people who don't want to ruffle any feathers and essentially buy into the recurring cultural myth that families of blended cultural heritage are doomed to failure.

I don't intend to suggest that there are no benefits whatsoever of marrying someone who in particular is from your religious tradition. (Frankly, I think if you're unwilling to bring someone of another race home, it's time to have a nice long talk with your family about how unacceptable their views are in modern America - and, just so we're clear, I'm not just talking to white people with racist parents.) But you'll notice that this dating filter leads you far afield from the topic of this blog: dating.

This dating filter turns every date into an audition for a marriage partner. Frankly, if you wouldn't deem it appropriate to propose marriage on the first date, why are you thinking about whether or not you would marry this person before you go out!? Aside from any discussion about the type of person you might find to be marriage material, you've already taken half the fun out of dating. You're closing yourself off to people who have other experiences and other backgrounds, and if you find it the least little sad that your parents expect you to marry a Scot, nothing is going to change with your generation.

You're also forwarding the wrong set of expectations in a dating situation. Thoughts of marriage, even subconscious ones, can totally spoil your ability to get to know the other person as anything other than, say, a marriage-aged Hindu of the opposite sex.

From deep within the bosom of the gay community, I would like to offer the world a tidbit we queer folk had to figure out a long time ago: the approval of your community vis-a-vis your romantic choices isn't a good enough reason to make them. Appreciate other people for who they are, not for what they aren't (i.e., a carbon copy of you).

Moreover, don't overload the dating experience with thoughts about the future. It's hard enough to think two hours ahead when you're on a date, so why are you already thinking years ahead?