Change isn't always a good thing

Welcome to part three of our discussion of dating filters! It's been a hard week of talking, no? A little rapid growth in dating perspective never hurt anyone, though. Tonight's installment: change isn't always a good thing.

Dating Scenario One: Two people are, say, taking a walk through a local arboretum, talking, laughing, smiling, maybe even having some Dostoevskian eye-talk. Things are going swimmingly quite generally. And then, Dater #1 goes into his schtick on polyamorous people - how he was once approached by a poly person for a date and how funny he thought it was that this poly person would dare approach him: as if!

Dater #2 is poly. Perhaps not being in a relationship at the time, it hasn't even occurred to Dater #2 to disclose this fact - it simply hadn't seemed like a pressing detail. Dater #2 laughs, but not in the gee, that's funny way, and they go about their date, with Dater #2 slightly embarrassed and ashamed, perhaps mostly because she hadn't said anything in her own defense.

It's not okay to have your identity mocked, but what are you to do in a situation when the other person wasn't maliciously maligning you - it's just that it turns out you're definitely not your date's type?

Perhaps the poly person even thinks: "Well, maybe if this works out I could give monogamy a shot. I mean, you never know, right?"

Be very wary of any criticism you get on a date. Some people seem to think they're dating a list of attributes and not a human being, and that, if these attributes could just be reshuffled a little, they might end up with the perfect mate.

The truth is, the criticism doesn't have to be very deep to be out of bounds. The way you laugh, the way you hold your fork, liking Bachman Turner Overdrive, crying at "Pretty Woman" - making fun of these things are all foul shots on a date, specifically a first date. Gentle, playful mockery quite often veils the darker tendency to see dates as projects. You shouldn't allow yourself to be seen as a schematic for the other person's designs - and you shouldn't think of your date that way, either.

The simplest way to avoid this is to avoid mocking behavior on a date. Focus on positive communication: instead of, "Good God, you chew like you had four stomachs!" try, "That tie really sets off your eyes." Mocking anyone, including the server or an old girlfriend can make you seem like a negative person, and remember: date you should be the best you.

There's only so much power you should give a date, and only so much power you should expect to have over a date. "You've got a little schmutz on your chin, there"? Perfectly acceptable. "All dog owners are freaks who should be sent to a desert island in the Pacific"? Foul ball! You shouldn't be expected to change yourself during a date to suit your date's exacting tastes, and you shouldn't think of your date as a Mr. Potato Head, either.

Remember: you're on a date with a person, a mortal human being, and you should experience him or her as a complete individual before you swoop in with any demands. Some things aren't going to change and you shouldn't expect them to; nagging is for unhappy couples - caring, egalitarian communication is for everyone else.