Deal breakers

I apologize for the tardiness of the last part of the dating filters series. Being late on assignment makes me hope my potential dates aren't reading this blog...

In any event, to wrap up the discussion of dating filters and to bring everything together I want to talk about the fundamental issue here: deal breakers.

Deal breakers, as the term suggests, are the things we aren't for any reason willing to put up with in a dating and/or relationship situation. Deal breakers can be, and are, pretty much anything: smoking, owning a ferret, being/not being religious, having a sixth toe, bad breath, real estate in a declining neighborhood, being a Yankees fan. Chances are, really, if you can name it, it's probably a deal breaker for someone.

You're skirting a fine line with deal breakers because, as with other hard and fast dating rules, they encourage you to look at potential dates as little more than a set of attributes. If the list doesn't tally, you're clearly not a good match.

Some deal breakers are valuable. You don't have to be open to the idea of, say, meeting a convicted sex offender for coffee. If you're not at all comfortable with that, you shouldn't do it.

Some deal breakers present themselves upfront and allow you to screen people out: say, being badly dressed or too short or too tall or too fat or too anything or liking Yoko Ono, et cetera, ad nauseum. But what happens when a deal breaker rears its ugly head after a few dates? Or what if you've been living with it, trying to see if you can get around it?

Here's the thing about deal breakers: they have the possibility to ruin what could otherwise be a very nice time. You have a right to decide whom you do and do not want to date; but what if the only problem is the rule? What if you stopped thinking about it as a deal breaker? Ask yourself: how do I otherwise feel about the other person? What if she didn't like being tied up and having pies thrown in her face? What if he didn't smoke? What if she didn't sing along really loud to the radio? What if he didn't have that extra toe? How would I feel then? Would I go on a fifth date if this thing weren't a present concern?

More often than I think you'd expect, the answer might be a healthy, hearty yes. If you see the person as more than a problem you have with some aspect of hir personality or physical appearance, you might begin to appreciate the fun the two of you could have together.

It's time for a bitter truth of dating that I think summarizes why firm rules about "types" ruins many people's dating experience: you're not going to marry the vast majority of people you date. If you stop thinking of first dates as the first day of a relationship that doesn't have a chance of working out, you can focus on the pure exhilarating excitement that can come along with going on a date or two with someone: flirting is fun, company is fun, not staying home on Friday and watching a Judge Judy marathon is fun.

To summarize the last week's worth of posts in a sentence: marriage is for neurotic expectations of perfection, dating is for figuring out what that means.