Dating Filters #1: Self-Segregation

This week on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday, I'm running a series on what I like to call dating filters: the series of burning hoops and litmus tests we put ourselves and others through before saying, "Yes, I will meet you for a drink this Friday." (Wednesday's post will be based on the results of the poll on the right side of your screen - don't forget to vote!)

Is there anything inherently wrong with dating filters? No: they can help you weed out people that you won't even be able to have a polite cocktail with. As won't be news to anyone, if there is something (or some things) about other people that you absolutely cannot tolerate for any amount of time, using these as dating filters can save you aggravation and wasting an hour of both of your lives.

Dating filters can be a lot more sinister, though: they can be used as a crutch that eventually prevents you from finding anyone with whom you can share a satisfactory dating experience. In an episode of the Simpsons, Moe, a victim of one of Bart and Lisa's phone pranks yells out to the patrons of his bar: "Amanda Hugandkiss! Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Hugandkiss!" Barney responds: "Maybe your standards are too high!"

The first type of dating filter is self-segregation: that is, identifying one part of yourself (quite typically a very obvious, somewhat externalized characteristic) and only allowing yourself to date people who share this characteristic. Smokers, athletes, dog and cat people, and homeowners are just some examples of people who self-segregate.

Is it nice to be able to sit in the smoking section when you're a smoker on a first date? You bet! As a smoker myself, I can say with absolute confidence that, when I'm on a date with a fellow smoker, I enjoy myself more. The last thing I want to do on a date is separate myself from something that I find comforting: my nerves are all in a twist and nice puff here and there can really take the edge off!

That being said, are all my dates with non-smokers terrible? By no means. Sure, I have to try hard to have minty fresh breath (and, as an aside for smokers: this is really actually harder than you think it is) and I am compelled to go the entire experience without my little carcinogenic safety blanket. Is it difficult? You bet. I was once on a date with a non-smoker that lasted well into the early hours of the following morning, and, though I was having the time of my life, I started getting really nervous after the seventh or eighth hour. He noticed this and asked why: I thought about it for a second and then I was compelled to admit that this was probably the longest I had gone without a cigarette since I was a teenager.

But, you'll note, that's only part of the story: the other part is that I really was having the time of life, and he got to see the smoke-free side of me, which, while a little keyed-up, turns out to be pretty fun.

Are you within your rights to self-segregate? Yes. If you know l'odeur de chat that follows you wherever you go is just going to end up scaring potential mates' dogs, it's all right to only date cat people. If you can't stand even the slightest whiff of tobacco smoke, it's all right never to date a smoker. And if you only want to see people who share your exact economic background, no one is forcing you to date a renter.

But you have to understand the consequences: when there is a litmus test before you'll even agree to the first date, you're closing out a big part of the population. Self-segregators can come to feel that their criterion is the key one, and that everyone who doesn't measure up is totally, objectively undatable. Understand that this is your criterion and your criterion alone, and that other people might be screening you out for some other reason.

Do you not feel defined by being a jogger? Or a smoker? Or a person with 3 siamese cats? Do you wish these things weren't the only thing other people were considering about you? If you don't see yourself as a one-dimensional person, you can benefit by not thinking of other people as one-dimensional, either.

Coming tomorrow: more on dating filters!